My Life, my heaven, my hell
by Trufreak89
Summary: Lauren pines for the heaven she can't have. Unrequited femslash


**Title: **My life, my heaven, my hell

**Summary: **Lauren pines for the heaven she can't have.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own alias or it's characters, they all belong to JJ Abrams.

**Spoiler: **General spoilers for season 3.

**Rating:** PG

**A/N:**I know I've got a few stories to update and my exams have put me behind, but I had to get this story off my mind. This is femslash, don't like it then don't read.

Lauren watched as Sydney and Michael smiled and shared a private joke, one Lauren had no clearance for. She'd tried to accept Sydney into her life as the woman Michael had loved, but it hadn't work. She accepted her as the woman Michael really loved, but it still felt wrong. Then she'd accepted Sydney as the woman she herself loved and everything felt right.

Sydney was not her full and glorious self as she had been two years previously, but even with everything that had happened she still radiated purity and innocence.

She was still stunning in her own Sydney Bristow way and although her eyes no longer held the spark that Michael had described they still looked at the world with hope and care, except for Lauren. For the blonde agent who had stolen her angel and his friends there was no hope or caring towards, only patience and restraint.

Lauren loved everything about Sydney. Her hair when it laid flat around her shoulders, or when it was tied up and business like. Her eyes when they lit up with excitement or adrenaline, Lauren had seen that in the car the day they were in a car chase. Sydney lived on the thrill of life and the edge. Not being able to be close to her was pushing Lauren over the edge.

They worked side-by-side, day in day out and Lauren held her tongue still. She wouldn't and couldn't tell Sydney about her love for her. It was wrong, they were enemies, she worked for the Covenant, she had Sark and Sydney badly wanted the world to be full of righteousness and desperately wanted her husband.

Sly glances across a crowded briefing room or the odd courteous smile was all Lauren could do to show her affection for the CIA agent. She brimmed with feelings confusing her endlessly. It couldn't be love. Lauren refused to accept it.

Then she'd rescued Sydney with the others and she knew that all though she was risking life and limb she was doing the right thing, she needed to save Sydney, needed to make sure she never cried, or frowned or felt sad again, she couldn't bare to see the woman go through any more pain.

She loved Syd and she could accept it, she could even accept her love for Michael and to some degree was happy she had his love, he would look after her and she was happy that Sydney was happy around him. She loved her enough to let her go.

Sydney found out at the same time she'd found out about Lauren's double agent status. They'd been on their own and Sydney had felt low and looked upset, a comforting word and shoulder had led Lauren to spill the contents of her frazzled mind and heavy heart and Sydney had stayed calm, even when Lauren had said 'love'. She told her she was wrong and that it could never happen, she was confused and upset about her father crying.

In that one second between Sydney deciding to leave and actually about to walk away Lauren had taken the greatest chance of her life, more important than money, or power or her career, she'd trusted her heart and kissed Sydney. It was gentle and yet powerful, innocent yet full of suggestion and Sydney pulled away instantly.

Her deep brown eyes had looked sad at the break of contact, but she knew it was for the best. She loved Michael more than anything in the world and Lauren understood. Sydney would be happy with Michael, he would protect her and love her and comfort her, and Lauren couldn't give her that, ever. So she walked away briskly from the last chance she had to be with Sydney.

The next time they met they held guns at each other. Their gazes locked in deadly concentration. One of them would die and the other would live free to mourn their actions or carry on life with Michael Vaughn.

As it came down to it Lauren couldn't kill her, she paused briefly and heard a gun shot erupt from behind her as she felt a bullet tear through her skin and muscle. More shots fired and she fell. She watched as Michael embraced Sydney and two years of tears fell in an instant. She felt like screaming that Vaughn would be allowed to get so close to her and yet Lauren could only ever have had secret glances and longing thoughts.

Impending death at the hands of Sydney's soul mate brought bitterness to her heart that had once flowed with love. Vaughn couldn't give her what she needed, no one but Lauren could. She tried to shoot Vaughn, just to preserve some part of Sydney that only she could have, but she was shot again and she fell. This time in to darkness and a lifetime of hell. For Lauren hell was where she couldn't be with Sydney, where she couldn't see her smile or hear her laugh, where she couldn't admire her beauty and humour, hell was her life and death was her release from the thrall of Sydney Bristow, after all Sydney would go to heaven with her angel Michael, somewhere Lauren could never go, her heaven was Sydney and she had been denied it.


End file.
